Week 4: May 4-10

Day 22

It is hard to believe I've made three weeks in the hospital. I praise God for His mercy because the time really has gone by quickly. There is not much new to report except that today Elise's cord had reverse flow, which means instead of being forward flowing or absent, the flow was actually backing up and going the wrong way. Forward is good, absent is not so good, reverse is bad. My doc wasn't overly concerned b/c the cord was between Elise's legs, and the reverse flow was very intermittent. The rest of the ultrasound was very positive--both girls got good biophysical reports.


This morning I began reading Practical Theology for Women: How Knowing God Makes a Difference in our Daily Lives by Wendy Alsup, lent to me by Amanda Ewer. I only got through the preface and the first two chapters but the Lord really spoke to me through Wendy's words. She writes about some trials that she experienced that had grown her faith, which reminded me a lot of our lives right now. The best part of experiencing the challenges of having a difficult pregancy, a husband looking for work, and no place to live come August 1, is being able to testify to God's goodness and provision. In the book, Wendy describes a time when God provided for them and writes, "...humbled not just by what God had done but also by how he had done it. We caught a glimpse of the splendor of God, his sovereign control over the details of life, and his intimate awareness of our lives."


Our family has been praying for a job for Chris for years, knowing that He would continue to provide for our needs just as He's always done. It has been easy to trust God, for the most part because we've always had something come through. This past February our faith was truly tested when the job that Chris had applied for and in which we'd placed all our hope (wrongly certainly) had been cancelled. At the moment when our one good option appeared to be off the table, we came to realize what trusting God is really all about. While it was more difficult to believe, we continued to pray that God would provide for our family and that He would be glorified. Well, this Monday, He showed us His glory when Anderson University made an actual offer to Chris. He will continue to be paid an adjunct faculty rate but will have a full-time faculty teaching load, which does mean more pay. They've also offered a housing allowance and money to cover a moving truck. Because of the full-time teaching load, he'll also be eligible for insurance. When God took away the job the first time, he showed us that our hope should only be in Him. So, our faith increased not only because our hope was put in Christ alone but also because I learned how to stay out of the process. Let me explain--it is my natural tendency to try to do God's job for Him. In other words, I might start job hunting for Chris and encouraging him to apply for things that are not right for him or even going out and getting a job myself, thus manipulating the situation. This time, and with great effort and help from Him, I stayed out of things and let God work, thankful that God gave me the faith necessary to trust Him in this way.


So, while we will be sad beyond words to leave Bloomington, our home for seven years, and most of all our friends and church family, we know that the move to Anderson is what God has for us at this time in our lives. Please be in prayer for the details of the move especially with me in the hospital and join with us in praising God for providing for our family as only He can. One of my biggest prayer requests regarding the move is that we will find a church home where Truth is preached from the Word and where the church family will adopt us in love like Church of the Good Shepherd.


Day 23


Today, unfortunately, the flow in Elise's cord was reversed more persistently and in a spot that was not being visibly pinched by any limbs. Both Anne-Claire and Elise had good fluid levels and movement, so we're just watching the situation to make sure it doesn't progress. In addition, Anne-Claire had some minor but consistent decels, and Elise had a pretty significant decel this morning. Because of the combination of deceleration and reverse flow, I was put on continuous monitoring for at least 24 hours. My doctor said it's possible that these are early signs that my placenta is having trouble keeping up with Elise's needs, so she decided to go ahead and give me a booster of steriods that she was going to order for next week.


The best part of my day was seeing Emma and Charlotte who came up with Anna Chasteen and her kids. I'm so grateful for all the sweet ladies who've brought my girls up to see me. Getting to snuggle them and watch and hear them play brightens my day to no end! I hated to see them go but the separation was pretty easy on the girls, Praise God.


Because of the continuous monitoring, I'm up for a difficult night. Both babies were great all day with no trouble keeping them on the monitor until 11pm. From that point on, my nurse had considerable difficulty even finding Elise. After about three hours of hunting, another nurse was in my room trying to help. She made the comment that Elise would need a spanking at birth for causing so much trouble, and my nurse said she'd be first in line. I responded by revealing that we came very close to losing Elise, and that I'm afraid it might be extra hard to spank her at all and not spoil her rotten. While I don't really think we'll treat Elise differently (at least I pray we don't), it did let the nurses know that I didn't appreciate their frustration over her movement. Throughout the night, my nurse repeatedly said it must be hard for me to undergo all the pulling and pushing and sleeplessness. I didn't but wanted to tell her that there is no end to what a mother will do for her children. I thanked God for the opportunity to suffer for my babies and asked for His strength during my weakness.


Day 24


After finally getting to sleep around 5:30am, my nurse came in at 7:30am to waken me because I had apparently begun contracting. She said I was having 7 in an hour in the beginning and they'd increased to every 5 minutes. She took away my breakfast and wouldn't allow me to take a shower--huge bummer! My doctor arrived shortly with the ultrasound equipment and was pleased to see that everything with the babies looks good. Biophysicals looked great for both, and Elise's cord flow was no longer reversed. It had a little intermittent absent flow but nothing worse than it has been in the past. Dr. D-P was reassured enough by the U/S and the good tracing on the monitor that she took me off the continuous baby monitor. I am still on the contraction monitor, though, which is no big deal. She does not think the contractions are pre-labor because there has been no change to my cervix. If I begin to have more than 6 an hour or anything else changes, then she'll reassess the situation and may give me something to stop the contractions. For now, things are looking good!


Day 25


Today I had four visitors. Barbara and Henry Lehr came this morning and were able to be here for my daily ultrasound. Both babies had good biophysicals and dopplers. It was so nice to get to talk to Barbara in person after three weeks here in the hospital. I only wish she'd been able to stay longer. Then, this afternoon, I was surprised with a visit from two of my pastors: Tim Bayly and Dave Curell. It was very encouraging to see them both. Dave told me about yesterday when Emma and Charlotte were at his and Annie's house. We laughed about Charlotte walking around with one hand slipped into her overalls while swinging the other arm in a Napoleanic manner. He also described how Charlotte (who doesn't know Dave beyond seeing him on Sunday mornings) had lifted her arms to him and laid her head on his shoulder as he sat with her. Such a sweet baby! Then he told me about Emma's response when Chris arrived to pick them up. After running into Chris's arms, she burst into tears and cried for about a minute in a way that suggested an awareness of her loss of her mama over the past few weeks. He was impressed by how quickly she processed her situation and recovered from her grief. Within moments she was running around with Charlotte like a maniac. The story affected me more than I first realized. It hit me that as well as Emma has been dealing with our separation and being with different caregivers each day, she is beginning to show the stress of it all. The ease with which the girls have handled everything has made being here in the hospital a lot more manageable. The knowledge that Emma is having a harder time now is difficult to bear.


Day 26


Today was a pretty rough day. I started having some really awful indigestion over the past couple of days and so far none of the antacids I've tried have done any good. I was up all last night and then it got worse today. Everything I ate was painful. I've also been missing Chris and the girls a lot--I haven't seen the girls since Tuesday. They were supposed to come today but Chris has been so swamped with grading finals and getting his grades in that he's going to wait until tomorrow to come up. I was really disappointed when I learned they wouldn't be coming up today. Chris also had another example of the stress getting to Emma. Today she told Chris she was tired of going to different houses every day and just wanted to go home and take a nap. It breaks my heart to hear that she's having a hard time. I spent a lot of today crying and praying for the Lord to help me keep my focus on the babies and giving them as much time as possible in my womb.


The babies were measured for growth today, and I'm embarrassed to admit, part of me was a little disappointed to not get news that this time might soon be over. Anne-Claire measured 3lbs 8oz (73%) and Elise is 2lbs 3oz (still >3%). Their discordancy increased to 39% because Anne-Claire's rate of growth increased while Elise's stayed exactly the same. My doctor was excited by the results and said we'd just continue the course. While I know they need more time in my womb, the days are getting harder and harder to get through. I have to remind myself that the longer they stay inside me, the shorter our NICU stay will hopefully be. I definitely need prayer right now. Days like this make it obvious that I can't do this on my own strength.


This evening I got to hang out with our new friends in the NICU and it did me a lot of good. To see their tiny little girls encouraged me to remember again why I'm here. I have to continue taking this one day at a time and to try to remember that the babies are my top priority right now. As hard as it is to think of Emma and Charlotte suffering because I'm here away from them, I know that they too will benefit from this refining they're going through. I'm looking forward to seeing them tomorrow.


Day 27


I'm feeling better today both physically and emotionally. I talked to Barbara on the phone and she reminded me that God is not just my God but He's also Emma and Charlotte's God and His plan for us includes them. He is building their faith as they witness and experience these challenges we're facing. She also shared with me that God is using Emma and Charlotte to teach Alice about compassion and loving others above oneself. I am so thankful for friends who can help me see beyond my own discomfort or grief to the eternal.


My ultrasound today was good again. I asked my doctor about whether the positive trend in the babies could be projected to the future. She said she thought we have every reason to think that I'll make it from here (almost 30 weeks) to 32 weeks and maybe farther. We also talked about when I might be able to go back to Bloomington. She said at 31 weeks she'll talk to Dr. Labban (my OB) about his confidence in being able to monitor the babies in Bloomington. She's also going to speak to the neonatologist here about the special care nursery in B-ton and when they might be capable of handling any issues our babies might have at birth. All that means that I could be back in Bloomington in a matter of a couple of weeks if the babies don't arrive before then. Yet another example of how God can bring me out of a low time (the past few days) to such encouragement.


The best part of today was seeing my big girls and my husband. We didn't do anything special but it was incredibly sweet to be able to snuggle and kiss my family. Emma kept asking me if I loved her--It makes me wonder if she's uncertain of my love because of our separation. Please continue to pray for us--especially Emma and Charlotte--that they will not think that I'm gone because they've done something or because I don't love them. Aunt Julie also came up to visit and graciously went and picked up dinner for us from On the Border--delicious!


Day 28

Mother's Day--a day to celebrate mothers and motherhood. It was wonderful to have my family here with me. Emma painted a beautiful flower pot and planted some flowers just for me. Chris, Emma, and Charlotte all made me great cards, which were extra special because they were hand-made. My favorite part of today was getting a chance to snuggle with my big girls as we napped together this afternoon. We used to nap together all the time and I've missed those cuddly moments. It felt almost normal again.

We also had fun outside on the patio. The girls climbed up on some large flat rocks in the garden and sang for us. It was too cute! Even though Charlotte doesn't sing with words, she hums and moves her arms almost like she's conducting or something. Of course, Emma (aka Melodie, Ariel's daughter) cracked us up as she sang a song made up on the fly with all the passion and flair of a real diva. We clapped for them, shouted "Bravo!" and enjoyed the singing over and over again.

The worst part of today was, of course, when Chris and the girls had to leave. Emma was quite upset; although, a large part of her distress was hearing that the Ewer's were coming and she wasn't going to be here to see them. As hard as it is to say good-bye, I have to admit knowing more visitors were coming did make it easier on me. Shortly after they left, the Ewers and half of our small group showed up in my room. It was so nice to see them, hear about their lives, and read the Word and pray together--a great way to end my fourth week in the hospital.