Week 3 (April 27-May 3)

Day 15

My day began early with monitoring at 4:45am. Thankfully, the babies stayed on the monitor without too much difficulty, so I didn't have to be awake for too long. I was able to sleep a little before my doctor came in to do my ultrasound. Elise's cord flow showed some intermittent resistance but Dr. D-P said that it really wasn't any worse than it has been. The way Elise was laying made it necessary to capture the dopplers of her cord close to the insertion site, which always has more resistance than other areas. She still felt reassured that the babies are doing quite well.

To make my day even brighter, Kim Johnson brought Emma and Charlotte to see me this afternoon and brought me a wonderful home-cooked meal! Chris also came by on his way home from Anderson, which made my day even better. It delights my heart to watch the girls playing and to be able to snuggle with them. While it is always hard to see them go, I was able to look forward to seeing the girls again tomorrow.

This evening my IV heplock was really uncomfortable, so my nurse said she could take it out and redo it on my other arm. It was time to draw blood for the type and screen that I have to have every 72 hours. A sample of my blood is given to the blood bank so they can make sure they have blood to donate to me if necessary. The sample is only good for 72 hours, so I have to have it drawn that often as well. My nurse could draw the blood from my IV site so I wouldn't have to be stuck twice. Everything went fine except for the pain of the stick--I'll never get used to it--and the fact that she place the IV in a very awkward spot on my left wrist. It was quite uncomfortable to even move my fingers much less my wrist. I had a hard time knitting or even opening the bathroom door with it. I asked my nurse about it and she said that the position of the IV was causing the discomfort and she could move it if I wanted. I decided to wait until morning when I could ask Dr. D-P about it. I'm hoping she'll say I can just have it removed completely.

During the time my IV was being placed, my nurse was also trying to find Elise on the monitor. She moved the monitor around for an hour without being able to find Elise's heartbeat. I wasn't worried because I could clearly hear her moving around. After an hour of trying, my nurse finally called another nurse for help. I've had Jen before and she's really sweet. She's expecting her 2nd daughter on July 17, Emma's birthday. Jen was able to find Elise right away! Unfortunately, I had to stay on the monitor for another hour to get a good tracing of Elise even though we already had an hour of Anne-Claire.

Before my day ended, my nurse wanted to get another full tracing of the girls, which meant that I to go back on the monitor at 11pm. I was really tired but able to go to sleep not far past midnight, looking forward to seeing Emma and Charlotte again!

Day 16

28 weeks!!! We reached a HUGE milestone today that we didn't know if we'd make or not. Praise God!! Making it to 28 weeks greatly increases the survival rate of our babies. My doctor was very pleased that we've made it this far. She was also encouraged by my ultrasound. She said she wanted to repeat my glucose test in a week and repeat steroid injections a week after that. I was encouraged that she's making plans for the next few weeks and not overly concerned that we might not make it to 30 weeks. She also said we won't measure the babies this Friday but are going to wait until the following Friday to give the girls more time to grow. She is confident that they are doing well enough that we don't need to repeat their growth measurements any earlier. While I'm disappointed to not see how much they've grown, I'm happy to know my doctor feels so good about their progress. I also asked my doctor about my IV and she said we can remove it!! Yay!!

I feel SOOO much better without the IV in anymore. Now I can cuddle the girls without having to worry about the IV catching on anything. Now I just hope that nothing happens that requires the IV to be put back in.

This afternoon Janet Howell brought the girls to see me and we had another great afternoon. I snuggled with both girls for a long time until Anna Chasteen and her kids came by for a visit and my girls decided it was time to get down to play. Emma and Elissa had great fun dressing up in the outfits Emma brought from home. Eliot and Charlotte also had fun chasing each other and playing with the big girls. Anna also brought me some of her home-cooking--so appreciated! Unfortunately, it came time for them all to leave. Emma was really sad and didn't want to let go of me. I really felt badly for Janet who had to take her out of my arms. I cried for a while, prayed for Emma, and called Chris. Talking to him made me feel better. I can't wait to see them all again.

Later I called another mom who had twins about a month ago who'd had TTTS. My doctor gave me her name and number. It turned out she was up in the NICU with her girls, so she came down to see me. It was so nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what we've been going through and a huge encouragement to know we too can have a positive outcome. Her girls were born at 30 weeks and weighed a little over 3 lbs and a little under 2 lbs. They are doing very well now, weighing almost 5 lbs and just over 3 lbs. She invited me up to see the girls, and I jumped at the opportunity. They looked so tiny, but to Jen and Brian they look huge after one month. It is hard for me to imagine our girls being that tiny and probably smaller, but now I have a picture of what they might look like. It was amazing to see Jen cuddling and nursing her baby and to believe that one day soon I'll be holding and nursing Anne-Claire and Elise.

Day 17

This morning I had to get up early because I had an ECHO appointment at 8am. The exam went well--the cardiologist said the girls' hearts were still doing fine. Great news! I also had my regular ultrasound and everything looked good. Elise had some intermittent absent flow in her cord but it was largely due to the cord being looped around her ankle. I asked my doctor if she was concerned about Elise's cord, and she said it's not uncommon for cords to get wrapped around babies in different ways. I am reassured that the babies are being monitored so closely, though, in case something were to go wrong.

This afternoon I had lots of visitors, which made my day! Another mother of TTTS survivors came by today and brought her adorably chubby 6 month old boys. The boys were great! Her donor baby was still visibly smaller than the recipient, but they're both healthy and wonderful. I got to hold the donor, and it helped me to imagine Elise being that big.

Mary Lee Bayly brought Emma and Charlotte to see me today, which made five days in a row! I was so glad to see them because Charlotte has been having trouble with her ears and I needed to cuddle her a little. It is wonderful to get to see my girls, and Chris came by on his way home from Anderson, so we were all together. It makes the week so much easier to be with my family, even for just a few hours. The girls left without any tears because we got webcams today and they knew we were going to get to see one another during our nightly phone call. When they called tonight it was amazing to see all of them while we were talking. The girls kept putting their faces really close to the screen--I guess to get closer to me--so I saw a lot of their foreheads. It was nice, though, to see their little faces and their kisses being blown to me. I love the webcam!

I have one more monitoring session before bed. Hopefully, it will go off without a hitch!

Day 18

Today was a good day. The ultrasound of the babies was really good again. My doctor continues to be pleased with how things are going. I'm sort of bummed that we're not going to do measurements tomorrow but encouraged that she feels comfortable waiting another week for them. Amanda Ewer and Sebra Baker came to visit today and brought Emma and Charlotte along with Anna, Amos, and Elijah. It was fun to see how much Anna is talking now and how big Amos and Elijah have gotten. Of course, I couldn't have been more delighted to see my big girls. I was pretty sad when they had to leave because they weren't able to stay very long and I know I won't see them again until Saturday. After shedding a few tears and praying once again for strength, I tried to focus on holding our babies one day soon. That image helps me to remember why I'm here and why being away from my family is worth it.

This evening Elise had a pretty major decel but once her heart rate came back up she was fine the rest of the time I was on the monitor. My nurse called the on-call doctor, and thankfully, I'm not going on continuous monitoring but will just continue with the normal schedule of every four hours. I'm praying that she won't have anymore decels and we'll have a good night. Now that we've made it to 28 weeks, the benefits of getting to 30 or beyond have become more clear and I hope we can get there. I thought it would be easier now that we're at 28 weeks, but the old fears continue to creep up whenever something like Elise's deceleration occurs. I don't want anyone to think that I don't still need prayer for continued faith and strength. Please continue praying for us.

Day 19

This morning I got to leave my room to go to my doctor's office for my ultrasound. While I enjoy getting out of my room, for some reason, I seem to get sick every time I go to the office. In the middle of the ultrasound, I began to feel lightheaded, then my head started to swim, my vision got cloudy, and my ears began ringing. I told Crystal, the sonographer, and she sat me up. That didn't seem to work--I still felt like I was going to pass out and get sick. I asked her if I could have my blood pressure checked because I felt like it was really low. She was afraid to leave me alone. She brought me the trash can and helped me out of my robe because I also got very hot. Slowly I began to feel better, my vision cleared and the heat left. I remembered that my blood pressure was low this morning, 85/55, and lying flat on my back combined with already low pressure was a recipe for fainting. Crystal was able to complete the ultrasound with me sitting up. Whew! After all that, I was pleased that the babies continue to look really good. Their dopplers and biophysicals were all good-no changes. She also checked the length of my cervix because I've been having a few more contractions, and it was nice and long. I told her that I've never had trouble keeping my cervix closed. :)

My doctor, though pleased with the ultrasound results, decided to put me on continuous monitoring for the afternoon because of the decels Elise has been having. She had at least one each session yesterday and this morning. My doctor wanted to get a longer stretch of time to see exactly how often the decels are happening. I was on the monitor from noon until 4:30pm, and in that time Elise did have a few decels. Dr. D-P was not concerned, though. She said the decels were not lasting very long and Elise's heartrate always came right back up. Apparently, all of this is pretty normal for 28 weekers.

Chris was able to stop by this afternoon on his way home from Anderson and stayed to hear what Dr. D-P had to report. It was great to see him and to get to talk. We're used to spending a lot of time together, so this time apart has been hard on both of us. I do think that this experience has made our marriage stronger and I'm thankful for that. In the beginning of the TTTS rollercoaster, it became apparent how easily a crisis can pull a couple apart. I praise God for allowing our marriage to grow despite the extra strain we're under.

A cute story from Aunt Julie: On her way to drop Emma off at Auntie Barbara's
Julie: I'm going to deliver you to Auntie Barbara's
Emma: Like a pizza?
Julie: Well, yes, I'm going to drop you off at Auntie Barbara's house.
Emma: Can we pretend I'm a pizza?
Julie: What kind of pizza would you be?
Emma: Pepperoni, of course.
So, Julie delivered an Emma pepperoni and cheese pizza to Auntie Barbara.

Day 20

The babies and I had a good day with no surprises. I was thrilled to have Chris and the girls here to spend the day with me. Emma and Charlotte had fun playing "Simon Says." It was quite cute to watch Charlotte mimicking Emma's movements. She's getting so big these days. I hated to see them leave but Julie had come by so I wasn't left alone for a little while longer. Elise had some decels in my last monitoring session but nothing that differed from what she's been doing and were not concerning to my doctor.

Day 21

Today has been pretty lonely. Chris and the girls stayed home so they could go to church. My ultrasound went well--My doctor said she was very excited by how well the girls are doing and how far we've gotten. She was going to order another glucose tolerance test for tomorrow, but thankfully, she heard my nurse mention needing to draw blood for my 72-hour type and screen and said I could do the glucose test today to avoid being stuck two days in a row. The glucose test is not fun because the Glucola is absolutely awful but a necessary evil to rule out gestational diabetes. I don't foresee any problem with the test but it has to be done. The blood draw was particularly painful--I don't think I'll ever get used to being stuck with needles--because the nurse had to use a larger than usual needle to get four vials of blood. Fortunately, I don't think I bruised, so that's positive. Tomorrow marks three weeks in the hospital!

Contact info in the hospital

I am at Community Hospital North in Indianapolis: http://www.ecommunity.com/ob/. My phone number is 317.621.0201 and my address is 7150 Clear Vista Drive, Indianapolis, IN 46256. I'm in room 5103. If you're able to visit, information regarding parking and directions is at: http://www.ecommunity.com/north/information/index.aspx?pg=9999.

I do not have access to Facebook while in the hospital here, so I can read Facebook messages that come to my email but can't reply.

Visits, calls, letters, and emails are much appreciated!

A word about the help we're receiving

All of my nurses have asked me the same question each time they learn I have two daughters at home and no family in Indiana: "Whose taking care of them?" My answer is always the same: "My husband is home with them each night, and our wonderful church family and other dear friends take care of them during the day." I love to be able to tell people from outside Bloomington about the abundance of love our family is shown each and every day and how my church takes the command to bear one another's burdens seriously.

When I was first put on bedrest at home, the ladies in my home fellowship group put their heads together and came up with a system where others in church could sign up to help. My friend, Amanda, set up a calendar on Google that allows ladies to sign up for childcare and meals. I had ladies coming to my house Monday-Friday in four-hour shifts to care for me and the girls and bringing meals every evening. Another sweet woman had already been coming to my house on Friday mornings to clean, and my sweet friend, Julie, began taking over laundry and carpool duties. We followed this schedule for about two weeks before I was hospitalized in Indianapolis. Since then, the routine has changed slightly. Instead of ladies coming to our house, Emma and Charlotte go to the houses of those who've signed up for a particular day. Several ladies have brought Emma and Charlotte up to see me, which means the world to me. I'm looking forward to a visit this afternoon!

I am confident that my family is being cared for and provided for while I'm away. I praise God for giving me such a generous church family and such selfless friends. While I wish that we were closer to Texas and family, I know that God is taking care of us here in Indiana through the arms and hands of friends that have become family to us. I am also thankful for all the prayers that are being lifted up on our behalf literally across the country. I just got an email this morning from the mother of one of Chris's students who has been praying for us in Ohio. God is using our situation to draw many to Himself in prayer. I believe that He is being glorified through this trial we face and that makes everything worthwhile.

Week 2 in the Hospital (April 20-26)

Day 8

I was woken up at 2am to be monitored for an hour, and about ten minutes before it was time to take me off, Elise had another significant decel. Over the next few hours she had a couple more decels including one that was particularly scary. Elise's heartrate (normally in the 150s) went down into the 60s and wouldn't come back up. My nurse flipped me from one side to the other because that can often help; unfortunately, this didn't work for Elise. The nurse finally had me get up on all fours and put me on oxygen, and Elise's heartrate finally came back up. The nurses were having a hard time, as usual, keeping the babies on the monitor, so they had the monitors strapped on so tightly I could barely breathe. At one time, I had three nurses pulling on straps and pushing on monitors--I felt like I had no control and completely forgotten. A nurse from my doctor's office came in and held my hand. Her compassion overwhelmed me and tears began streaming down my face. She truly was Christ to me in that moment.

Throughout the day, I remained on the monitor, and my contractions became more regular. I was contracting every 5 minutes, but, thankfully, Elise had no more drastic decels. Both babies had slight decels during contractions, though, so my doctor wanted to stop them. She decided to put me on magnesium sulfate. In order to load me up with the mag, I was given what is called a bolus of the drug in 20 minutes. I was warned that I would feel hot during the bolus, but nothing could have prepared me for what it actually felt like. I literally felt like I was on fire--even my eyeballs burned. The heat was awful, and then my limbs became so heavy I could not lift them. I felt lightheaded and thought I would pass out. As I cried out to God, I thought that even this was worth it for my babies. Finally, after 20 minutes, the bolus was completed and the magnesium drip was lessened. I began feeling better almost immediately. Shortly thereafter, I was allowed to eat and drink again and was finally able to get some rest. When I went to sleep at 9:30pm, I felt fine.

Day 9

My nurse woke me up at around midnight for monitoring, and I felt like I had some indigestion. I asked for some Sprite but felt no relief from the pain in my chest. My nurse put the monitors on me and left me saying she'd be back in an hour. I might have been able to rest during that hour but Elise would not stay on the monitor. For fear of having to remain on the monitor for more than an hour if we didn't get a good strip on Elise, I held her on the entire time. My nurse returned at the completion of an hour, and I asked for more Sprite and for Maalox because of the discomfort I felt. I began to feel nauseous and did get sick. I thought I would feel better, so I laid back down to sleep until the next monitoring. I was put back on the monitor at 4am and felt even worse. Before the hour was up I had to call my nurse back because I got sick again. I asked her to take my temperature because I felt like I had the flu. What I thought was indigestion was really bad, and I was nauseous and really weak. I also felt my heart pounding, so I also asked my nurse to check my pulse. She said it was a little high but not unusual for me. When I laid down around 5:30am, I was really miserable. I didn't feel like my nurse was very concerned so I just laid in my bed, praying and waiting for the next shift to begin at 7am. My chest was hurting so badly, I decided it couldn't be indigestion but must be something more serious. I actually thought I was having a heart attack and that I was dying. I was incredibly weak and could barely move my arms and legs.

When my nurse came in at 7am, the first words out of my mouth were, "My chest really hurts." The new nurse said that chest pain is a reaction to magnesium, which made me feel better about my situation. She began trying to locate my doctor and doing things to help me. The pain felt a lot like contractions except that it was in my chest. I could feel my chest tightening and the pain was unbearable. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest. The pain radiated from the middle of my chest to my back and shoulders. I also had a hard time taking in a breath because of the pain. The oxygen level in my blood was low, so I was put on oxygen. The magnesium was stopped and soon my pain became intermittent rather than persistent. I was put through a series of tests to make sure that I didn't have a pulmonary embolism, or blood clot in my lungs, including a chest x-ray and spiral CAT scan. I also had my blood-gas level tested, which required a blood draw that is particularly painful because the blood is drawn from an artery. I've had it done once before so I was prepared for the discomfort. This time, however, would be different because a student came in to try. I got nervous when her supervisor began showing her how to find the artery and told her to make sure not to hit my bone. As she stuck me, I was in the middle of a contraction and a wave of chest pain. She did some digging before giving up and pulling out. Her supervisor was able to get the blood drawn, but I ended up with a pretty serious bruise on my wrist. All of the tests came back negative, so my doctor allowed me to eat and drink again by mid-afternoon. Ultimately, it looked like I had had a bad reaction to the magnesium.

Through everything, I was thankful for God's strength and was able to meditate on 2 Corinthians 12:9--I could boast in my weakness because it provided an opportunity for God to be glorified and His power to be perfected. I was also thankful that Chris was here by my side. His quiet strength also kept me calm in the midst of pain and weakness. When he left that evening, I was feeling much better and looking forward to a visit from the girls the next day.

Days 10 & 11

Chris had gotten a substitute for his classes so that he could bring the girls up to see me. Unfortunately, when I talked to him in the morning, I learned that Charlotte had run a fever all night. They would not be able to come up. I was very sad, to say the least. The news set me up for two pretty hard days emotionally. I cried a lot on both Wednesday and Thursday. I was sad because I missed my family but also because I hated being away from Charlotte while she was sick. I could also sense that Chris was overwhelmed from being up all night with Charlotte and from her neediness. She wanted to be held constantly and wanted Chris exclusively. He was having a hard time, which made it that much harder on me being so far away and helpless. I felt badly because my daughter was sick and I wasn't there. I had to remind myself that while Charlotte does need me; right now, Anne-Claire and Elise need me more because no one else can do for them what I can--be their incubator.

Barbara pointed out God's mercy in that on the days that have been most medically challenging, I have not had to deal with the emotional distress that I've experienced the past two days. He promises to not give me more than I can bear, and He's proven Himself faithful yet again. I know that I'm here for a reason and that every day is a gift from God. We've almost made it to 28 weeks, our original goal. Praise God! I continue to take it one day at a time and have nearly 2 weeks of hospitalization under my belt.

Day 12

Today was better in every way. The babies continue to do well, and Chris came for a visit on his way home. I know he'll be back tomorrow with Emma and Charlotte!!

Days 13 & 14

The babies look really good on their ultrasound. I asked my doctor if she thought our chances of making it past 28 weeks were good and she said they were. She also said that if we make it to 32 weeks then I might be able to be transferred to the hospital in Bloomington! She also said that I didn't have to continue my morning monitoring because the babies looked so good on the ultrasound!

Chris, Emma, and Charlotte arrived around lunch time, and it was wonderful to see them. They brought the dresses that Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Brian sent them and were able to dress up for me. Emma got an Ariel dress with "a real tail." She demonstrated her diving abilities, which involved jumping up with her hands in a diving position, landing in a squat, and lying on her tummy on the ground. Sweetness! Charlotte was more interested in cuddling with me (which I loved) than in trying her Little Red Riding Hood or Swan Princess costumes on. Emma, however, put the Little Red Riding Hood outfit on and looked hilarious. The dress was a size 12-18 months, so it was quite short on Emma. She had fun playacting the fairytale, though. I was the Grandmother sick in bed and Chris was the Big Bad Wolf. Chris had packed a lunch, so we were able to go to the patio to eat and enjoy watching the girls play. As the day wore on, Chris decided to go ahead and spend the night in the hotel across the street. Emma kept saying, "I'm so excited! We don't have to leave." Emma wanted me to teach her to knit so I got her started and then watched her do her best. She was so proud of the tangled mess she made--I loved it! I had Emma on one side of me, knitting away, and Charlotte on my other snuggling next to me. I was in heaven!

They came back early on Sunday and we had another good day. We spent more time outside on the patio in the sunshine. It is such a joy to see the girls playing and to be able to hug and kiss them. I also witnessed Charlotte crawl into Chris's lap when she got tired and fall asleep. I am so thankful that they have such a close relationship with their daddy and that it will only be closer because of this time while I'm away. Chris has always been a good daddy but my love and respect for my husband has increased exponentially since my hospitalization. He told me this week, "I don't know why anyone would choose to do this on their own." I would not be able to parent my girls by myself with the same grace and ease that he has shown. I praise God for giving me Chris and for giving him the faith and strength to do what he's being asked to do now.

I was sad when it came time for Chris and the girls to leave, but knowing that Kim (who's watching the girls tomorrow) was planning on bringing them up to see me, made the separation easier on Emma and me. Both girls gave me big hugs and kisses, and Emma said, "I'll see you the next time I come."

It was lonely as usual after they left but I decided to work on this blog and that kept me busy. My night shift nurse came in around 9pm to put me back on the monitor. Around 10:30pm, I called her to see why I was still being monitored and she told me that Elise had a significant decel around 9:30pm. She was going to keep me on the monitor for a while longer. She finally spoke to the on-call doctor around 11:45pm, and he said she could take me off the monitor but would have to put me back on at 4am. I was disappointed but decided to try to hurry up and go to sleep since I only had a few hours. As I prayed for God's protection of Elise and Anne-Claire, I also praised Him for giving me these two weeks in the hospital and 28 weeks of pregnancy. I'll be 28 weeks on Tuesday!

Week 1 in Hospital (April 13-19)

Day 1, April 13, 2009

Today was extremely difficult--more difficult than I could have imagined. My room is lovely--it doesn't look anything like a hospital room. Here is a link to a video of the maternity unit at Community Hospital North: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX_K9TXtBlU. As nice as it is, though, it's not home because my husband and daughters aren't here. When they left, I thought my heart might break. Emma had a really hard time leaving until a nurse offered her a popsicle and then she stopped crying. Charlotte just gave me a kiss and said, "Bye-bye." I was a mess, so that might have made it harder for Emma. I didn't want to let go of her. Chris was wonderful and told me they'd be back soon and would call me when they got home. Thankfully, a nurse was here to ask a ton of admission questions that helped give me something else to think about. When she left, though, and I was all alone, I felt like I did when my mom left me at college for the first time--completely alone and terrified. I cried out to God to give me the strength I would need to get through this because I knew that I could not do this on my own. A prayer I've needed countless times throughout this challenge and will need countless more, no doubt.



Day 2


As it turned out, I would need that prayer and God's strength again my first morning in the hospital. I had been on continuous monitoring for most of Monday and then allowed to go to sleep for a while before being put back on the monitor. At one point early in the morning, Elise's heart had a serious deceleration that lasted long enough to cause concern. My nurse came in and said I'd just bought myself continuous monitoring. I didn't quite understand what she meant until she put the oxygen mask on me and pointed out on the monitor what had just happened. By God's grace, I did not freak out but simply lay in my bed, breathing the oxygen in and praying for His hand to be upon Elise. I also prayed that anyone that happened to be awake at that hour (around 5am) would feel the urge to pray for us at that moment. Her heart rate increased and my doctor came in to do an ultrasound to check to see what was going on. Elise had change positions, so my doc thought that perhaps she'd laid on her cord or squeezed it too much during the decel. Elise was moving around and her dopplers looked stable, so she wasn't overly concerned. She did want to keep me on the monitor, though, which made for a difficult day. Basically, I was forced to lie very still for most of the day to keep the babies on the monitors. Not being able to move was difficult because it made my back ache and my body hurt. Again, I was in need of God's strength. 2 Corinthians 12:9 came to mind: "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

Days 3 & 4

I was put back on 1Q4 monitoring, which means they monitor the babies for 1 hour every 4 hours. I'm very grateful because continuous monitoring stinks. What makes all monitoring difficult is what makes my heart smile--lots of movement by Anne-Claire and Elise. The babies move so much that the nurses get frustrated trying to keep them on the monitors. I love to see that they are moving like crazy because active babies are healthy babies. One of my nurses was quite young, not married, no children and got visibly upset with the difficulty the babies were giving her trying to monitor them. I wanted to tell her, "Please don't get upset about their movement. Just weeks ago, we thought we might lose one or both of them. Their activity means a lot when we've come so close to losing them." Since that experience, I try to make a point of letting the nurses know what we've been through to get this far, so they know how important the girls' movement is to us. So far, most of the nurses have been kind and understanding. I told one nurse that I thought no one wanted to be my nurse because monitoring was so difficult, and she said I was wrong. She told me that I was the patient everyone wanted because lots of movement means healthy babies, so they don't have to worry about my girls. That was nice to hear even though I know that there are some nurses who don't like monitoring my girls--one nurse told me she'd heard about my twins in the locker room. I can't let comments like that get to me because whatever anyone thinks, I'll always be happy to hear my girls are active.

Day 5

Lisa Boles brought Emma and Charlotte to see me today!! I hadn't seen them since Monday. It was wonderful to wrap my arms around them and to kiss their sweet faces. Everyday without them seems like an eternity, but I just remind myself of why I'm here and that lessens the burden a little bit. I was concerned that Charlotte might be afraid to let go of me for fear of leaving again, but happily, she was confident and able to get down to play. Even when it was time for them to leave, she had no problem saying good-bye. As hard as it is for me to see them go, it makes me feel good to know that she is not miserable without me. Chris surprised me with the news that they would be spending the night at the hotel across the street so they could stay longer and come back sooner. Emma was very excited to learn they were staying in a hotel. Chris brought several dress up dresses and music so the girls could dance for me--something I've missed this week.

Days 6 & 7

Chris and the girls were here all weekend, and it was wonderful! The girls did very well and were pretty well behaved most of the time. We were able to go outside to the patio that is available to patients on this floor. It was nice to go outside and enjoy the sunshine. Emma and Charlotte had a blast collecting rocks and pretending to be Melody and Flounder--I was Ariel, Melody's mom, Emma was Melody, and Charlotte got to be Flounder. Chris was also part of the act as Prince Eric. Sunday, was hard because Emma and I were both saddened by the thought that they would be leaving. We tried to make the most of the time, but, unfortunately, our day was cut short because Emma was having a hard time being obedient. They ended up leaving earlier than expected, which was hard on all of us. Again, my only comfort was Christ and He faithfully heard my cries.

Around 4pm, I was back on the monitor, and Elise had another significant deceleration. My nurse also noticed I was having pretty consistent contractions. When she pointed a contraction out to me, I realized that what I thought was movement by the babies was actually tightening of my uterus. The doctor on call decided to keep me on the monitor for the rest of the day and ordered that I be given a shot of Terbutaline, a drug to stop contractions. It appeared that both girls were having decelerations during each contraction, which made the doctor think they were not handling being squeezed very well. By bedtime, the doctor decided I could be taken of continuous monitoring but would need to be woken up during the night every four hours for monitoring. I went to sleep feeling hopeful that everything would be fine.

Easter with our family

On Friday, April 10, we learned that I would be hospitalized for the duration of my pregnancy. My doctor, a Believer, allowed me to go home for Easter weekend to enjoy and celebrate with Chris and the girls. The weekend was wonderful, while, bittersweet at times because I was thinking about my upcoming hospitalization on Monday.

We decided that it was important to worship with our church family on Sunday, and I'm so glad we did. The deacons made sure a couch was available for me in the back of the church, which allowed me to stretch out and rest during the service. Although, I cried through much of the music, it ministered to my soul in ways that I'd missed since my bedrest began. I'd also been yearning to sit under teaching of the Word. I never knew how much I'd miss hearing God's Word preached until I became unable to attend church on Sundays. I also missed fellowship with other Believers. It is the tradition of our church to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord with a large Easter feast following the worship service. Unfortunately, I didn't think I would be up to staying for the luncheon, but the sweet ladies of the hospitality committee and Joe Rice, a beloved deacon, made sure we had a wonderful meal to take home to enjoy.

Emma and Charlotte looked beautiful in their new Easter dresses sent to them from Aunt Cindy, Uncle Scott, Trevor and Taylor. They had nice Easter baskets thanks to Aunt Julie who went shopping when I wasn't able to and had fun checking out their baskets of goodies. After lunch we took some fun pictures outside.

Emma and Charlotte picking flowers in our yard

Pretty Charlotte in her Easter dress with Emma putting flowers in her basket

Mama and her two big girls and two baby girls in her womb

Daddy with his big girls

After taking pics in our yard, we went to the Lehr's for an Easter egg hunt. The Chasteens were also there with their two, so it was a lot of fun. The girls had a blast finding eggs the dads hid in the backyard. Charlotte had more fun eating Skittles--she walked around with the candy in one hand and her basket in the other. Needless to say, she had no way of picking up any eggs that way, but eventually was coaxed into setting her Skittles down so she could find some pretty eggs. She also had a lot of fun sliding down the slide. I couldn't believe my baby was climbing up the ladder and sliding down a really fast slide all by herself. Thankfully, the dads stood close by in case she needed any assistance. Emma also enjoyed herself hunting eggs with her best friends Alice and Elissa. She was all about the candy! Here are some pics of the egg hunt.

Four beautiful egg hunters: Elissa, Charlotte, Alice, and Emma


Emma wearing the Easter outfit from Nanny and Papa

Charlotte hunting with Anna's help

Catching up (from April 3-10)

Since my last post we've been to see Dr. Dungy-Poythress in Indianapolis, back to Cincinnati for more testing, and back to Indy a couple more times. Every appointment has confirmed our decision to not move forward with fetal surgery. The girls have continued to look good in every ultrasound and ECHO we've had.


During our last visit to Cincinnati, Chris and I had a lot more confidence in what we wanted to do; that is, avoid surgery unless absolutely necessary. We also learned that we could ask for things from the medical staff and pretty much get what we asked for every time. Rather than chance getting a doctor who was completely unfamiliar with our case, we asked to see Dr. Jaekle, the doctor who did our amnioreduction. We were able to see him, and he told us again that we'd made the right decision. He was very happy with how the girls looked. He thought that Elise's cord was doing better then others had told us. Buoyed, we went on to our ECHO appointment.


We asked to have Regina conduct our ECHO. She was the sonographer who'd done all of our ECHOs except for the one with the elevated Tei index. Regina was available, so we were pleased to see her again. She told us, "I heard they tried to 'laser you' last week." We asked her if we could speak to a cardiologist after the ECHO, and again our request was honored. The cardiologist came in and told us that our ECHO looked good. We asked him about the Tei index and he told us that it can be affected by which sonographer does the exam. He said that even with the fluctuations of Anne-Claire's numbers he would consider them to all be stable. This week her numbers were lower than last. When we asked what the numbers were this week, he said it should tell us something that he didn't remember the specific numbers. We also asked about long term damage to Anne-Claire's heart because of TTTS. He said that babies with TTTS are usually not followed-up with further ECHOs by the Fetal Care Center, but that he never saw pediatric cardiology patients who had had TTTS in utero. We were encouraged by our conversation.


We went on to our meeting with the fetal surgeon, Dr. Crombleholme. While he agreed that our girls were stable, he did not go so far as to say they were doing well. He wanted us to return to Cincinnati once or twice more for ECHOs but said if surgery was not an option for us then we didn't have to return. We ultimately decided that surgery was not for us. We're prepared to wait and see how far we can get before the girls show signs of needing to be delivered and delivering them at that point. To that end, I am being admitted to the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy so that we can monitor the babies closely enough to catch anything life threatening that comes up.

We continue to trust God and know that He holds us and our girls in His hands. Hospitalization will be hard on all of us, but ultimately, is worth the precious gifts of Anne-Claire and Elise.

2nd opinion in Columbus, Thursday, April 2

During our 4 hour drive to Columbus, Dr. De Lia, called me and asked if I'd spoken to Dr. Jaekle, the MFM who'd done my amnioreduction but who we hadn't seen again since that day. I hadn't yet but Chris agreed that I should try to see what he thought as well. I called Dr. Jaekle and explained what had happened on Tuesday and our concerns about doing surgery when the girls are looking so good by every other indication. I asked him about the possibility that the equal fluid levels could be due to an inadvertent septostomy. He told me that he did not believe he'd poked a hole in the dividing membrane between the girls. He assured me that the other indicators the girls had did not look like the equalization was merely b/c of septostomy. He said if Elise was not getting enough blood flow she would not be producing urine as her full bladder indicated. He also confirmed that he would not move to surgery based on one number. The Tei index, he said, is imprecise and fuzzy. Different doctors figure and interpret and use it differently. He thought that we were absolutely making the right decision. He went on to say that he is by nature contrary so that the fact that he was agreeing with us meant that he really does think we're being wise and not just trying to make us feel good about our decision. So, now we had 2 doctors in agreement with us.

We went in for our appointment next and had another ultrasound. Again, fluid levels were good, bladders full in both girls, and no apparent physical changes in Anne-Claire's heart. Elise did have persistent absent flow in her cord, however. Dr. O'Shaughnessy came in and said something that no doctor had yet said. He said that God had created these girls and made them to share a placenta. The sharing of the placenta was in a way helping Elise and to disconnect her from Anne-Claire would leave her vulnerable. He agreed that her absent flow was largely due to placental insufficiency and that everything he saw indicated that little or no tranfusing was going on currently. He said that we were absolutely making the right decision. He said that if we went to surgery and lost Elise as a result we would find it very hard to not second-guess our decision. We would have lost her after making so much progress from the amnioreduction. He also said that when he figured the Tei index it was normal, but again, doctors figure it and interpret it differently. The bottom line is that the Tei is imprecise and currently the only measurement that caused the doctors in Cincinnati to suggest surgery. We're very glad we decided to wait and get another opinion--now 3 doctors are in agreement with us.

The best thing we could do now was to concentrate on my getting proper bedrest, which he defined as only getting up for the restroom and to shower. He emphasized that the next month is critical for the girls and that getting to 28 weeks (we're at 24 1/2) will be tough. He also told us that he would be praying for us and the girls, which meant more than all the medical information.

We are so thankful that God opened the doors for us to talk to some other smart people and the wisdom to realize we needed time to process and think before doing the surgery. We do not take any credit for this decision but rather give the Father praise for leading us in this and for keeping our girls in His hands. He's continuing to knit them together perfectly and knows exactly how many days they have. My prayer is that we will be allowed to love and hold them in our arms and to watch them grow into beautiful women of God.

Getting a new perspective, Wednesday, April 1

As I wrote my thoughts and feelings last night, I was in a very dark place. My dear friend, Barbara, noticed I was online and being that she was also up praying for us, she called me around 2am. She, through the Holy Spirit, talked with me about my fears and anxieties and spoke truth to me about God's goodness and care for us. After our conversation I was finally able to get some sleep. Early the next morning, I received a phone call from Dr. Julian De Lia, who pioneered the laser surgery that the doctors in Cincinnati want us to do. Dr. De Lia had spoken to me a couple of times and his warmth and care of our family came through on the phone each time. I told him everything that had happened in Cincy and he was quite at a loss. He couldn't understand why the doctors would be so interested in moving to the extreme measure of surgery based on one index when everything else looked so good. He encouraged me to get a 2nd opinion and made a call to a friend in Columbus, Ohio who is also a specialist in treating TTTS. The most important thing Dr. De Lia said to me, however, was that he would be praying for us and that he really does care for our girls and for us.

Within minutes of speaking to Dr. De Lia, a nurse from Columbus, OH called me. I told her about all our latest tests and she told me that I'd been able to give her all the information she needed. She said that in Columbus they use the Tei index as one piece of the larger picture. Based on everything else I'd told her about the girls' fluid, sizes, dopplers, etc., she said they looked really good. She said that where our girls are now is where they hope to get their patients. She was able to get us an appointment for the next day with Dr. O'Shaughnessy. We were excited to have the opportunity to get another doctor's opinion and hoped that it would be helpful and not muddy the waters. I spent the rest of the day coordinating getting all our records to Columbus.

In the afternoon, I was scheduled to get the 2nd dose of steroids to help the girls begin producing surfactant, which allows us to breathe normal air. I had to go to the Bloomington hospital for the injection. I thought it would be a quick trip up to L&D, so Chris and Charlotte waited in the car while Emma and I went up. Before giving me the injection the nurse checked my vitals and discovered that my heart rate was 141 bpm. She said that was quite elevated and that if we couldn't get it down, she'd have to admit me. So, Emma and I sat in a darkened room for 2 hours while the nurse checked me every 15 minutes to no avail. My heartrate was not going down. I had no way of contacting Chris in the car so security was going to have to go find him. Fortunately, he'd gotten sufficiently irritated by the wait to come inside to investigate. He figured with all the waiting that we usually have to do, that I was still waiting to get the injection. When he walked into the room and saw them hooking me up to monitors, I think it really scared him. They kept me for several more hours and finally released me at 10pm with my assurance that I would return if anything worsened. We didn't want to stay there b/c of our scheduled appointment in Columbus the next day.

Once at home, I called the doctors in Cincinnati who had prescribed procardia, a blood pressure medication that will help Anne-Claire's heart. Unfortunately, it can also cause me to have an elevated heart rate. The nurse told me to skip my morning dose and she'd call after talking to the docs. We went to bed hopeful again that tomorrow our desire to wait on surgery or avoid it altogether would be confirmed. I realized once again, that through God's strength and faithfulness, I can come out of a very dark time with faith and hope. Having experienced those moments gives me confidence that we'll continue to weather this challenging time not by our own strength, but His.

Blindsided, from Tuesday, March 31

How many times can I say, "This has been the hardest day of my life?" I know there will be many. I was never promised a life free from suffering but rather assured that suffering would come, and I can honestly say I never knew the true meaning of the word until four months ago. In November, we watched Emma suffer through a difficult and painful operation, and at that time I thought it was the most difficult thing I'd ever done--to see my child suffer. But through God's grace, we got through it and I saw my faith increase. Praise Him! In February, we found out the job search at Anderson had been cancelled. We were devastated by the news that the one really good job opportunity we had was gone. We thought, "Okay, so this is what it means to truly trust God." We felt like we'd always trusted Him before, but it was much easier when we could see this really good option out there for God to use to meet our needs. Now we know that only He can meet our true needs.

This brings me to today-- we've had so many ups and downs in just three weeks, my head is spinning. Last week we were soaring high with the news that our battle with TTTS might be nearing a conclusion. Both Anne-Claire and Elise showed great signs that the progression of TTTS had stalled. We went into the tests today with high hopes that the girls would remain stable and we'd be sent back to Indianapolis for follow-up. I was extremely anxious about the possibility of hospitalization for more frequent monitoring of the girls until birth, which would likely be early, but had already begun feeling the peace that passes understanding as I thought through how my family would continue to be cared for in my absence.

This morning, as noted in my early-morning status update, began with a lot of unexplained anxiety on my part. I sought out prayer and began meditating on the verse that has been at the forefront of my mind through all this, "When my anxieties multiply within me, thy consolations delight my soul." I continued to feel physically ill through most of the ride to Cincinnati. Upon arriving promptly at 9am, we were made to wait until nearly 10 for the ultrasound. The waiting increased my anxiety but I continued praying and meditating on the Word. The ultrasound couldn't have gone better. Fluid levels were equalized: Anne-Claire at 4.9cm and Elise at 4.4cm. Bladders were easily viewed in both girls and both had grown. They were still discordant in size but it had remained 36%, which is not as good as going down but way better than going up. Anne-Claire weighed 738 grams or about 1 1/2 pounds. Elise is still quite small at only 470 grams, so she's not quite a pound yet. Amazingly, the formerly persistent absent blood flow in Elise's cord was now only intermittently absent, another great sign. Finally, my cervix was a nice 3.8 cm, which is an excellent indication that I was not in danger of imminent premature labor. Chris and I were quite pleased with all the good measurements. Unfortunately, we were knocked off balance for the first time with the entrance of a brand new, never-before-seen maternal fetal specialist.

She told us that while all the signs did in fact look good, we had crossed an important threshold--viability--and this changed the way we should be looking at things. At 24 weeks gestation, babies are considered viable outside the womb by the medical community. Apparently, if I'd gone into premature labor before this week and delivered, little would have been done to save the girls. They had reached the magic number of 24 weeks and were now worthy of medical intervention to save their lives should they be born today. The doctor thought I should be admitted to the hospital in Cincinnati for steroid injections and close monitoring so the girls could be delivered at the first sign of distress. This was the first time anyone in Cincinnati had ever mentioned this as a possibility. We were confused and immediately wanted to talk to one of the other doctors who knew more about our situation than this new doctor who admittedly knew very little. She told us she would talk to Dr. Van Hook, who'd we'd been seeing since this started three weeks ago and would let us know what the plan was. I called my maternal fetal specialist in Indianapolis to give her a heads up because we wanted to travel to Indy for hospitalization if at all possible. She said not to worry but to have the doctors call her after all the tests were over. We praised God for the good news, knowing that if I was hospitalized He would take care of all the details.

We went on to our ECHO, somewhat confused but still thinking the new doctors reaction probably was due largly to her unfamiliarity with our situation. We joked in the waiting room that today was the day for changes and that we'd probably end up with a different radiologist than the one we'd had for all of our previous ECHOS. Sure enough, a different woman came out to greet us. Chris and I shared a look but said nothing. The radiologist is usually quiet during the ECHO, silently doing her job, and we usually have to wait for results until we meet with the surgeon later. One comment this radiologist made stuck with me. She told a visiting doctor from China who was observing that she hadn't worked too hard to get one measurement because everything else was looking so good and that the wrong angle can distort the numbers that are fed into different indeces and formulas. We left there with our hope revived and with a plan to ask to be sent to Indy if hospitalization was recommended. We'd discussed different possibilities of care for the girls and knew that the Body would be there for us like they have been thus far.

Unfortunately, our waiting continued as our 1:30pm appointment time came and went. At 2:30, I asked if the receptionist had any idea how much longer it would be and she said they were waiting for the ECHO report. That sound odd to us because that report usually gets sent in minutes. I don't know how much longer we waited for Dr. Lim because I made no note of the time when he entered--Largely, because he knocked me off my chair with his first statement, "I like to cut right to the chase. It's time to talk about surgery." What? But all our measurements have been wonderful. The techs had even gotten the elusive ductus venosus after 2 weeks of trying unsuccessfully. Dr. Lim went right past all the good news straight to the heart of the matter--Anne-Claire's. The Tei index is a measurement of heart performance, or heart failiure. Anne-Claire's right ventricle on the Thursday after my amnioreduction was .49, which is 1/100th higher than normal. At that time, Dr. Lim thought the amount to be sufficiently insignificant to deem the AR a failure. The next Tuesday, her right ventricle went down to .46 while the left ventricle went up but remained within normal range. Today, her right ventricle was .56 and her left was .53, both measurements considered well outside normal. We had moved from stage 3A TTTS to the cusp between 3B and 3C. Stage 4 means the baby's heart is in serious failure and they baby has hydrops, swelling of the tissues. Stage 5 is death. Dr. Lim could not tell us how long it might take Anne-Claire to move from 3C to 4 and then to 5.

I immediately questioned the ECHO based on the radiologists comment about bad angles influencing numbers and measurements. Dr. Lim did not believe such to be the case but did give us the option of waiting and repeating the ECHO on Friday or Monday. He couldn't tell us for sure that Anne-Claire could wait that long but felt comfortable enough to allow it. So these are our options: do nothing and see how far we can get before losing a baby in utero or delivering early, repeat the ECHO on Friday and surgery if necessary on Monday, surgery on Thursday, or deliver the babies now. Our first step was for me to get a steroid injection to improve the girls lung development in the event we deliver soon. We talked about the surgery and the huge risks to Elise because of her marginal share of the placenta. They could begin the surgery, map out the connections, see what share she has, and not move forward with photocoagulating the connections. None of the options seems very promising and we're just not sure what we should do. My gut reaction is that for right now the girls appear healthy and happy and the thought of going to surgery and quite possibly ending Elise's life as a result makes me ill.

I am struggling to find hope right now and cannot see past losing one or both of our girls. All I can do is cry out to the Father for His strength b/c I am so very weak right now. I know that my only hope is in Christ and that no medical procedure or doctor can do what He can do. I'm so scared. I need more faith.